I almost gave up on life
“I Waited Patiently For The Lord; He Turned To Me And Heard My Cry.”Psalm 40:1
A smile can cover almost anything. Anyone who knows me well enough would tell you that I am an overall content, always cheerful, always willing to encourage others. Many do not know that I struggled with something that I could not explain for many years. That something was depression. Sadness and hopelessness took control of my life.
Years of verbal and emotional abuse caused me to feel that I was not good enough for anything or anyone. I masked my emotional pain with a smile because I did not want anyone to know I was struggling emotionally. I didn’t want to burden anyone with my issues. Hiding my pain caused it to bubble up inside of me
Loss of interest in most things fun and exciting.
Frightening thoughts of ending it all.
Those life-altering symptoms slowly took a toll on my life.
I’d been coping with depression for quite some time. Trying to handle it on my own was, honestly, a nightmare. No matter what I would do to cope, the symptoms just seemed to intensify.
November 2016 would be a month I will never forget.
I was sitting in my room. The door closed, lights off, a bottle of sleeping pills clutched tightly inside of my trembling hands. Warm tears streaming down my face. I had had enough. It felt as though no matter what I did, no matter how hard I worked and no matter how much I tried to make peace with what was causing me so much emotional pain, nothing was working. I ended up taking the majority of that bottle of pills and drifted slowly off to sleep.
I woke up the next day confused, frustrated. I remember saying:
“Why am I still here?! I am not supposed to be here!”
I sat in my bed and stared blankly at the wall. I don’t know what happened, but at that moment, I felt a sense of calm wrap around me. That initial feeling of anger due to my failed attempt at ending my life turned into a feeling of peace. I thought that maybe there was a reason for the failure. Perhaps I had more to accomplish in my life. More to see. More to do.
I took a moment to pray, regroup, and figure out what I was going to do with my life. I knew that I could no longer continue to live my life that way. I knew that I had to do something, reach out to someone, to receive some help. Having to admit to anyone that I was struggling with depression was tough for me. I was so used to just handling things on my own that the thought of someone else helping me was a bit nerve-wracking. I prayed some more and pulled myself together. It was time for a change.
When someone is depressed, they may do their best to deal with the symptoms instead of getting to the root of the problem. Why are you depressed? What caused your depression? Once you answer those questions, then you can begin to heal. True healing begins once you acknowledge what’s causing you pain.
Since that day, I’ve devoted my time and energy to improving myself by working out, forgiving the past, studying, and teaching others about the importance of mental health. It brings me joy to be able to share my story while, also, educating others on the importance of taking better care of their mental health.
It has been a journey. Like most journeys, there are roadblocks. When those self-destructive thoughts start to creep back into my mind, I immediately speak against them. There’s so much I want to do with my life, and I am not about to let depression ruin that for me!
But, there is hope
“But You, Lord, Are A Shield Around Me, My Glory, The One Who Lifts My Head High.”Psalm 3:3
I know it may seem like nothing is going right in your life. You feel as if you’re alone and that no one wants you. Those are just feelings, and feelings change! Please do not make a permanent decision based on temporary emotions.
Some things that you can do to conquer depression are:
1. Talk To Someone / Seek Help
2. Get Some Fresh Air
4. Hang Out With Your Family/Friends
5. Create A Daily “To-Do” List
6. Practice Forgiveness
Stay Strong! Keep Pushing Through! Do Not Go Through This Alone.
Let’s talk about it! Have you, or someone you know, ever struggled with depression or had suicidal thoughts? How do you manage your symptoms? Who do you call when you’re feeling low? I would love to hear your stories. Comment down below or contact me personally (Contact tab). It’s time for us to be open and honest about this. You will soon find out that you’re not the only one. You’re not alone!
You can get through this!
“Cast All Your Anxiety On Him Because He Cares For You.”1 Peter 7
Books I recommend:
“Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Carol S. Dweck
“The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change” by Stephen R. Covey
“Year of Yes: How to Dance it Out, Stand in the Sun, and Be Your Own Person” by Shonda Rhimes