“Why does this keep happening to me? It’s as though I’m in this cycle that, for some reason, I can’t get out of. What’s wrong with me?”
Breaking free from toxic cycles requires you to dig deep within yourself to figure out why you’re stuck. In a recent spat with someone close, I noticed something that I had witnessed a lot growing up.
As a kid, I was relatively quiet, but there would be times I would speak up about certain things, and it would cause chaos. I would be threatened with being kicked out, deemed unwanted, unwilling to change. Hearing and taking in all of that negativity caused me to doubt my ability to confidently speak up for myself and led me to believe that no matter what I did or tried to say, nothing I was ever going to do would be worth anything.
I found myself aimlessly going through my day-to-day routine doing the bare minimum to get by because I didn’t think I was capable of doing more. I would watch as those around me confidently went after and accomplished great things while I sat back, wishing I had even an ounce of courage to pursue my dreams. It wasn’t until that argument that I mentioned before that I realized where the cycle came from; my childhood.
It was evident in the argument that there was an issue I needed to revisit, heal, and break away from. This wasn’t the first time a conflict occurred that started with my over-sensitivity causing strife. Although it wasn’t the first time, I was determined to make it the last time going through that cycle of negativity.
I asked God for guidance and understanding through the process of uncovering and uprooting the thoughts, situations, and constant replaying of hurtful memories that were causing setbacks in my present life. Let me tell you, this process hasn’t been easy, but I know the results will be worth every uncomfortable, revealing moment I have and will go through.
In Sarah Jakes Robert’s book, Woman Evolve: Break Up with Your Fears and Revolutionize Your Life, she makes the statement, “Just because you’ve survived something doesn’t mean you didn’t experience damage. There is truly nothing more necessary for our journey of healing than acknowledging we’ve been damaged.”
True healing begins when we’ve acknowledged that we’ve been hurt.
Too often, we undermine the hurt that we’ve faced. We say things like, “That didn’t bother me.” or “It wasn’t that big of a deal.” We tend to do our best to hide the pain in the back of our minds, hoping that it will never resurface.
But, guess what ends up happening when we fail to acknowledge and deal with hurt? It shows up in different areas of our lives. If we expect our lives to change for the better, we must first acknowledge what’s holding us back.
Healing requires honesty. Be honest with yourself! You keep finding yourself in these negative situations, and you want to know why. As much as we want to blame someone else for what’s happening to us, sometimes the issue lies within us.
I would like for you to answer these questions:
- What event from your past has helped, or hurt, the way you feel about yourself today (good or bad)?
- What is it that you need to heal from? Who do you need to forgive?
- Why do you keep holding on to negative memories?
- How do you think your life will change once you’ve healed from what’s been hurting you?
In your journal, answer those questions as honestly as possible. Once you’ve done that, find someone you can trust to help you through this journey of healing. It can be a counselor, therapist, pastor, close friend or family member, or anyone you feel would be mentally healthy and emotionally strong enough to help you through this process.
Healing requires work, hard work. Coming to terms with what was to move on to better things is a daunting task. Once you’ve healed, you’ll be in a better position to experience more goodness in life.
If something happened to you that caused pain (physical, emotional, spiritual, mental), acknowledge it for what it is. Once you’ve admitted it, begin the process of forgiving, healing, and moving on with your life. As always, utilize the faith that is within you.